The Air Apparent

The Air Apparent-

The transit aspect of traveling is always a test of patience. It can be argued that the highest concentration of ignorant humans on the planet can be found at airports. Big international airports have all walks of life. White, black, brown, yellow, skinny, fat, homely, handsome, hot, smart, stupid, smelly, gay, straight, trendy, retro, indy, suited up, dressed down, burka covered or half naked. The only two subcultures missing are the super hot girls cause they are flying private with the the 2nd group, the super rich guys. God bless ’em both.

I like to consider myself a level headed calm customer. I never really get MAD about anything at airports, but I spend the majority of the time dealing with somewhere between a yellow and orange level of annoyance. Starting with people jockeying at the check in counter line and ending with them jostling at baggage claim. To make things worse if say you are a smoker and you want to have a cigarette to take the edge off it means you waking into an airport smoking lounge and inhaling 10 second hand worth for every one you smoke. Possible the most disgusting places on earth which has stained yellow walls that are enough to give a lifetime chain smoker second thoughts.

I decided that I prefer people that are deliberate assholes to those that are just oblivious to the world around them. If you are going to get on the moving walkway know which side to stand so people can pass. No lady you are NOT allowed to bring that perfume bottle through security, where the hell have you been for the past 10 years!? Yeah dude the plane has pulled away and is about to take off, not only do you need to end that business call, but the phone needs to be turned off completely even! I know, I know crazy right?… I don’t make the rules I just play by them.

Crying babies are crying babies and that’s part of what you signed up for, just white noise to me at this point really. Its almost therapeutic. What I cannot fathom are the people that talk at full volume and don’t comprehend the “inside voices” concept. I understand if you look out the window it seems like we’re outside flying around in the middle of nowhere, but lets call it the existence of a pressurized cabin that makes us all actually inside, and you just begin loud. I care as much about you being top regional salesman for Lays Corporation as I do about where the flotation divides are located in the unlikely event of a water landing… “Landing” my ass, theres a good oxymoron for you. Once I had a flight from Minneapolis to Vegas and a body builder/strong man competitor was siting directly behind me and his conversation with the PE teacher that sat next to him rang in my ear the entire flight. I did a few courtesy turn arounds as if to will the notion that I would love to read my book and couldn’t care less about how tractor tires are heavier than they look. It was to no avail. By the end I could tell you how much he bench pressed, what his diet consists of and what he placed in each of the competitions he entered for the past 8 years. On a separate flight I sat in the first row bulkhead seats (which actually have less leg room than a normal seat, but that’s whole other argument… And don’t get me started on exit rows). I sat on the window, with another guy on the isle and middle seat vacant. His buddy was sitting in the last row of first class and there was the service area separating the two. This did not deter the friends from carrying on a full volume conversation the entire flight from NY to Vegas. Again I tried to use body language and telepathy instead of just coming out and saying shut the hell up, but again my mind control powers were too underdeveloped. It must have been one this guys first trips to Vegas because as we were descending into the city he perks up and stretches his neck to catch a glimpse out the window of the Vegas strip at night. I notice this from my peripheral and after keeping the window shade open the entire 5 hours I slowly lowered it, rested my head against the seat back and closed my eyes. It was a small personal victory.

Finally it’s my least favorite people of all types of travelers and its a 2 way tie. These people rank only marginally higher that the people in hostels that think its ok to sit directly in the middle of a common stairwell, with their legs stretched out, while Skype-ing their boyfriend/girlfriend. The two way tie are the people who are the very first to stand when the airplane stops (sometimes even before it completely stops) and the other are people that refuse to stand until the VERY last possible second, only to prove that there is no advantage of being the first person to stand. I hate them both.

Bob